


For his Best Guy

by imnotbuck



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Altered Mental States, Anxiety Disorder, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feral Behavior, Healing, Infantilism, M/M, Mental Instability, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Non-Consensual Drug Use, POV Alternating, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Possessive Behavior, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Psychological Trauma, Separation Anxiety, Slow Burn, Thumb-sucking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 15:40:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9242276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: During the highway battle, Steve discovers that his mate isn't dead.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky partially reverts to a childlike emotional state and fragility because of the trauma he's endured; proceed with caution
> 
> Thanks to mcrisnotdead for the Russian translation!

The highway was a complete disaster. The Winter Soldier was tearing up parts of the street and had already massacred Sam’s car and sections of the overpass. He continued to advance and ignored everything other than his target, which at that point, was Steve. Steve had managed to distract him from Natasha by bringing his focus onto himself and truthfully, he wasn't doing well at evading his attacks. Steve wouldn't back down but the Soldier was on another level of determination; he seemed to have no fear, only a drive to push harder. Steve worried that the man would go until the job was done, until one of them were dead. 

 

By the time Steve was feeling the first pangs of exhaustion, the Soldier was still going strong. He hadn’t had a minute where he wasn't at top speed. All of a sudden the Soldier made a mistake and Steve managed to flip him. He hit the ground rolling, his face mask falling to the pavement, and got to his feet in seconds. The Soldier turned, ready to attack, and Steve’s breath caught. His heart felt as if it hadn't truly beat in years and just started back up in that moment. Much to his surprise, the Soldier looked the same way.

 

He dropped his attack stance and fell to his knees in front of Steve. He kept his palms on his thighs and his gaze down. The scent of the rain and lilacs drifted his way and he nearly choked on the happiness he felt because of it.

 

“Bucky?” Steve breathed and the Soldier looked up. His pupils were dilated and took over most of the steel blue colour of his irises, but there was recognition in his gaze. It was Bucky.

 

His Bucky, who died decades ago, who he watched die, was right there in front of him. He was alive. And he was in the perfect submissive pose, just as Steve had seen so long ago when Bucky came to him as an omega after his first heat and wanted Steve to claim him.

 

“Steve.” Bucky’s voice was nothing more than a gasp. “Steve, Alpha.” 

 

“Oh god, Buck- you, you're-” Steve choked and walked forward. “Bucky.” He got close enough to touch him and put his hand on top of Bucky’s head. He ran his fingers through Bucky’s overlong hair and Bucky sighed, his shoulders sagging. 

 

“Steve?” Natasha asked from somewhere beside him but he couldn't look away. “We don't have time for whatever this is.” He could hear how much pain she was in through her voice. He wanted to get her out of there but he couldn't move. Not a single part of him cooperated with the reasonable, logical, part of his brain. 

 

“Doll, you're here.” Steve whispered, afraid that it was an illusion and the timbre of his voice would break it. “You're here.” Bucky nodded but didn't speak. Steve knew it was because he hadn't been given permission yet. Sam landed a few feet away from them.

 

“We have to move. The STRIKE team is in shambles currently so it's now or never.” Sam said then got a look at what was happening. “Uh, Cap?” Steve snapped out of his haze and tested his luck.

 

“Doll, get up and come here.” Bucky’s head snapped back and he stood straight up. He walked over to Steve with the gait of a predator but showed nothing but submission. He stopped in front of Steve and blinked up at him, waiting for instruction. Steve smiled encouragingly at him and Bucky flushed. “That's my good boy.” He could smell the pleasure coming off of him in waves.

 

“What…?” Sam mumbled. 

 

“Alright baby doll, let's go.” Steve held out his hand and Bucky took it immediately. “Good, omega.” He looked at Sam and Natasha. “Let's head out.” 

 

Natasha got word from Maria about a safe bunker outside of the city, so they headed there. Steve sat in the back seat of the car with Bucky in his lap, his face tucked into Steve’s neck. Bucky was trembling against him and hadn't said a word since he addressed him. Steve didn’t push him; instead he rubbed his back and murmured praise in his ear. The situation was confusing and a little frightening, but Bucky needed him. He wasn't questioning anything right then; he put his entire focus on Bucky. 

 

“S-Steve?” Bucky murmured and Steve nodded. He was having trouble disguising the pleasure he felt at hearing Bucky say his name after so long. 

 

“Yeah sweetheart?” He replied in a soft voice.

 

“I, I,” Bucky stopped speaking and curled up more. Steve couldn't help but feel like Bucky wasn’t just choked up; it seemed like there was something more there. He didn't push him, not that soon.

 

“That's alright, Buck. You're okay.” Sam turned to stare at them from the passenger seat. Steve chose to ignore the partial judgement in his gaze.

 

“Are you planning on telling us what's going on now or..?” He asked and Steve sighed. 

 

“There's a lot happening, Sam. I'd explain but I have no idea what most of it is.”

 

“Start with this guy, maybe?” Sam offered. His normally calm and even scent was full of confusion and a touch of fear.

 

“You remember the only howlie to die in the battle?” He asked. It still hurt to say though it clearly wasn’t true- the proof was sitting in his lap. Sam’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“James Buchanan Barnes.” Bucky made a startled noise at the sound of his name and Steve started to bounce his knees slightly to calm him. “Sam, meet Bucky.” 

 

“No way in hell.” Sam blurted and Steve could only nod. 

 

“Yeah, I feel the same way right about now.” 

 

“It really doesn't seem like it.” Sam muttered and turned back around. Natasha turned into a tunnel of trees and Bucky whined at the darkness. Bucky’s behaviour was confusing. He was never that easily spooked or that clingy. He was terrified and could only find comfort with Steve. Steve was more than willing to give it but it was still jarring.

 

“I'm assuming you were his alpha.” Natasha announced in a bland voice. Sam gaped at him.

 

“Are you mated?” Sam’s disbelief flooded the car and Steve nodded. “You- I always thought you were a thing with Peggy Carter.” At the mention of Peggy, Bucky turned sharply and snarled at Sam. Natasha tensed from the instinct to protect her teammate. As an unbonded alpha she constantly fought the need to go after anyone who threatened their makeshift pack. Steve rubbed the nape of Bucky’s neck and applied the slightest amount of pressure, making him relax. 

 

“No, Peggy and I were and still are just friends. She's a beta so she helped me through some tough times but we never mated.” Steve told Sam but also promised Bucky. “Buck and I have always been together.”

 

“Since when?” Since he was a scrawny, sick, kid and Bucky was subtly protecting him. Before they actually bonded they were a sure thing. They were connected from the very start.

 

“Since always.” He couldn't remember a time when they didn't belong to each other and he didn't want to. There was no Steve without Bucky and no Bucky without Steve. That was why living after Bucky died was the worst punishment and it didn’t last long. Bucky made a contented noise and licked at Steve’s scent gland. The entire car filled with his scent and Natasha groaned. Alphas hated the scent of each other. Betas weren't too fond of it either but Sam kept his composure. “That's it, Bucky. Just relax for me.” 

 

They got to a location deep in an undetectable wooded area and drove the car into a safe area where they used a STARK device to disguise it. The entrance to the bunker looked like a bomb shelter and the entire compound was underground. The four of them packed into an elevator and went down where they were greeted by Maria. Her welcome was warm until she saw Bucky.

 

“You managed to detain him.” She was clearly shocked. “No one’s ever been able to.”

 

“Maria,” Sam started but was essentially ignored.

 

“Fortunately we have a cell we can hold him in until we question and evaluate him.” Steve openly growled.

 

“You will do no such thing. He isn't a prisoner and he won't be treated as such.” Bucky shifted until he was pressed right up against him and kissed Steve’s jaw in an attempt to soothe him. He'd forgotten how caring his omega was. Maria noticed and her eyebrows raised.

 

“You didn't forcibly mate him, do you? I know it must've been hard to subdue him but that's highly unethical.” 

 

“I would never do that.” He glowered at him. “Not ever.”

 

“Then?”

 

“They're mates.” Natasha jumped in and said. “The Winter Soldier is James Barnes, ex-howling commando, and Steve’s long time mate.” They all turned and stared at her, none of them believing how easily she came forth with all of that information. Maria shook herself a little and snapped back to attention.

 

“You are aware of the multiple assassination attempts on Director Fury, you were there for one of them.” She eyed Bucky suspiciously. “And you want to keep him here, completely free, as if he's an innocent bystander.” 

 

“He was under Hydra’s command.” 

 

“He's a risk.” Bucky whined and held onto Steve’s hand tightly. Putting him down so that he could walk on his own was clearly a mistake. “He's a walking time bomb.” 

 

“With all due respect, you have no clue what you're talking about. Bucky has been held captive for god knows how long and forced to do unspeakable things.” He stroked the back of Bucky’s hand with his thumb. “I thought my mate was dead, I watched him die. Now he's back with me and he's okay; if you don't want him here, then we’re both leaving.” Maria sighed.

 

“That's unnecessary. I really wouldn't force you away from your mate even if I do think it's what's best.” She looked Bucky over from head to toe and Bucky shrank away. “There are rooms for you all to stay in until we can assemble the rest of the team to take down Hydra. He's welcome to stay but you have to let the medics check him out.”

 

“No.”

 

“Steve, this isn't an experimentation attempt. All of you battled today and he's been going at it for longer, he needs to be checked out and treated for injury.” Steve sighed.

 

“Fine, but I'm going with him.”

 

“You can't.” She said sternly and he glared. “You're already scenting him; the team needs to check his stats without your influence. I promise it'll be quick and he'll be brought back.” He turned at look at Bucky properly and found him looking down at the ground.

 

“Bucky, are you okay with being checked out?” Bucky looked up at him and his fear was all over his face, his scent, it was everywhere. “I know you're scared, sweetheart, but no one’s gonna hurt you. I'll make sure of that.” 

 

“I can see you again after, right Alpha? I won't be taken away?” Bucky asked softly and Steve almost broke down. He hated how scared Bucky was and how he'd endured so much that he would never truly know about.

 

“Yes, omega. I promise you're coming right back to me. You won't be alone again.” He said and Bucky nodded once he was finished. 

 

“Okay.” Bucky’s trust in him was absolute even after everything that'd happened and he was determined not to let him down again. 

 

“Thank you baby. I'll see you soon.” He kissed Bucky’s forehead before letting Maria escort him away. 

 

“You did a good thing.” Sam said and out put his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Really, he needs to be cared for medically first.” 

 

“Yeah, I know. It's just hard to let him leave me. He's been back in my life for a few hours but it already feels like it's been months and I need to keep him close. I can't let him get hurt again.” 

 

“He won't.” Sam said just as the screaming started. He recognized Bucky’s voice immediately and went running. 

 

“не подходи!” He heard Bucky scream and ran in the direction of his voice. “не подходи!” He got to the medical room and saw Bucky with a hunting knife pointed at the doctor and nurse in front of him.

 

“Bucky, baby, it’s okay.” Steve said in as calming a voice as possible. Bucky looked at him but didn't put the knife down. “Come on baby, put that down and come to me.” Bucky audibly gulped. “Come here baby doll. You know you're safe with me.” Bucky put the knife on the floor and dashed over to Steve. Steve held Bucky tightly to his body and rubbed his back.

 

“I'm sorry Alpha.” Bucky mumbled. “I'm sorry.”

 

“There's no need to apologize; you were scared and you didn't hurt anyone.” He looked over at the doctor. “What happened?” 

 

“We tried to take off his tact gear and he backed himself into the corner and took out the knife.” She said carefully. “I admit we weren't thinking about how he would take it.” 

 

“This was all just a big misunderstanding then. How about we just forget about this check up and move on?” 

 

“Agent Hill instructed us to take his vitals.”

 

“Once everything’s a bit calmer and we’re settled in I'll make sure to bring him back.” She took a minute to think it over.

 

“Okay Captain Rogers, we'll let her know about the change.”

 

“Thank you.” Steve took Bucky’s hand and brought him out of the room and down through the hall he came through.

 

“I, I said I was gonna let them but I thought, I thought they were gonna hurt me.” The anguish in Bucky’s voice hurt him deeply.

 

“You don't have to be sorry for being scared. They weren't properly prepared either so no one is on their A game today.” Steve was trying his very best to reassure Bucky that he hadn’t done anything wrong. He couldn't let Bucky think that having emotions was a problem. After a minute of walking Bucky’s legs buckled and Steve barely caught him before he hit the floor. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” Bucky mewed. 

 

“Tired.” It made sense; Bucky fought for hours and the trip to the bunker was pretty long. 

 

“I'll find somewhere for you to rest, okay?”

 

“Can we nest, Alpha?” Bucky sounded worn out. Steve cradled him in his arms like a child and kissed his forehead.

 

“Sure, baby. We'll nest.” 

 

-

 

Maria sent them to a room far away from the rest of the team. Steve didn’t mind because he wanted Bucky to himself for a while. He brought Bucky to the room and used the linens provided to make him a cushy and cozy nest. When he turned back for Bucky’s approval, he found Bucky staring at it nervously. “What's wrong?” He asked and made Bucky straighten.

 

“I don't… what do I do? Can I stay there, Alpha?” Bucky seemed so unsure of his place; he felt horrible about it. “With you?”

 

“Baby, the nest is yours. You have to give me permission to share it with you.” Bucky looked terrified.

 

“No! Alpha, you make the decisions! You're supposed to!” Steve was startled by his outburst and considered getting Sam to come by and calm him. In the end he decided that it would probably scare Bucky even more.

 

“Okay, sweetheart. You can stay in the nest with me-- I want you to.” He said and Bucky sagged with relief. “But first we need to get you out of your gear.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I want you to be comfortable.” Bucky looked apprehensive but agreed with a simple nod. “Maria brought some clothes for you, so we’'ll get you changed now.”

 

“Then nest?” Steve nodded.

 

“Yeah sweetheart.” 

 

Steve carefully helped Bucky out of his gear one piece at a time. He changed him into sweatpants and a large tee, then tied his hair back. He gave him socks and brought him to the nest where he wrapped him in blankets. Bucky pressed close to him and started to suck on Steve’s scent gland. He rolled his knuckles over Bucky’s scalp softly and Bucky sighed. Bucky’s scent filled his nostrils and he swallowed hard. It was almost too much; Bucky was back, he was there with him. He couldn't believe that they'd been brought together again. It was cruel but he was so, so happy. 

 

“Alpha, please don't cry.” Bucky murmured and Steve fought to control himself. He didn't know if he were crying from happiness or despair. “Please? I'm sorry Alpha.” Bucky started to lick Steve’s tears away and his body rocked with a small sob. “I'm sorry. Please Alpha?” 

 

“I'm not upset with you,” Steve said, “I'm okay.” He looked at Bucky and saw how frightened he looked. “I'm okay, baby. I promise.” Bucky didn’t look convinced. “I'm fine.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He assured him and Bucky settled back down. He started sucking on Steve’s neck again and he brushed the fallen strands of Bucky’s hair back. “Sleep, baby.” 

 

Steve woke up to the sound of a loud beeping echoing through the room. He opened his eyes and saw Sharon Carter standing outside the suddenly clear glass wall. Once she noticed he was awake she waved at him and pointed to the keypad. Steve untangled himself from Bucky without waking him and walked over to the door to let her in. She handed him a bag and he moved back to allow her into the room. 

 

“Those’re clothes that should fit you, figured you wouldn't fit into anything here. At least not comfortably.” She said and he smiled sheepishly.

 

“Thanks Sharon.” 

 

“Anytime.” She looked over at their nest. “Is that him?”

 

“Yeah, that's Bucky.”

 

“I never knew you had a mate.” Sharon continued to stare at it until Bucky twitched beneath the blankets. “I would've never guessed that your best friend would've been it for you and now I have no idea why. It makes sense.”

 

“No one who knew bothered to tell anyone that would make us register. The rest of the commandos knew and so did Peggy and Howard, but none of them told. Especially after Bucky…” He stopped speaking because she knew the rest of the story. 

 

“You're keeping him.”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“I’d do the same thing.” Sharon said. “Really Steve, I'm on your side here.”

 

“I can't thank you enough.” He really couldn't. Having anyone on his side in that situation was a miracle.

 

“I'm gonna head out but there's a phone in there; it's to contact everyone outside of this room.”

 

“Are we being detained?”

 

“No, I just figured that Barnes isn't going to want to leave here and you're not going anywhere without him.” 

 

“Thanks again.” 

 

After Sharon left he changed clothes and tucked the phone underneath the cot of their nest. He climbed back inside and Bucky wiggled until he was right against him again. “You like her.” Bucky muttered and Steve nodded.

 

“She's a good friend.”

 

“You want her?” He didn't sound upset, just curious.

 

“No. I only want you.” Bucky made a soft noise of content and nuzzled Steve’s throat.

 

“You're gonna keep me.” So Bucky had been listening. He was kind of relieved about it. 

 

“Right by my side.”

 

“Like always.” Steve kissed the top of Bucky’s head.

 

“Yeah Buck, like always.” He didn't know how much of ‘always’ Bucky remembered but he still found comfort that he remembered any at all. Really, he found comfort in anything Bucky did because having him back was more than enough. “My omega.” He said on a sigh. “I missed you so much.” He couldn't ask if Bucky had missed him too because he already knew that he hadn't, because he mentally couldn't. His Bucky, the one who was capable of missing him, had only returned hours ago. It was cruel to expect more.

 

Instead of responding, Bucky suckled on his scent gland more and filled him with a sense of peace that he hadn't felt for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Bucky speaks Russian he says stay back (Google translated so it's probably weird)
> 
> I'm back with another a/b/o as promised but it's definitely going to be heavier than my previous one in both chapter number and content so feedback is very appreciated! 
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

They spent three solid days in their room and only had the occasional visitor. Bucky clung to Steve most of the time and the room slowly started to smell like their combined scent. Soon the stench would get overwhelming and Steve didn't know how he'd convince Bucky to leave with him so that it could be aired out. Bucky was afraid of anything outside of their room and Steve didn't have it in him to push him after he'd been through so much. He just couldn't.

More often than not, Bucky suckled. He'd heard of omegas needing physical reassurance but he'd never heard of suckling. At first he thought that Bucky was scenting him but after asking Sam he found out it was more; Bucky was essentially using him as a pacifier. It felt nice but he was worried about him because Bucky wouldn't talk about his feelings, the only signs that he was going through something were his suckling and refusal to leave Steve’s side.

He had Bucky in his lap when Maria walked in. Bucky’s lips were latched onto his scent gland and he was mewling faintly. He rubbed Bucky’s back and kept him pressed close in order to comfort him and distract him from the new presence in the room. “He has to be checked out, Steve.” Maria said, her eyes never leaving Bucky. Steve felt the ridiculous urge to growl at her for it.

“He's not ready to leave yet.” He replied stubbornly.

“I know you want to protect him but you're coddling him. He's not in any danger because no one here is going to hurt him. All that needs to be done is a check up that clears him of any serious injuries.” 

“Can I go with him this time?” 

“That appears to be our only option, but you have to stand outside of the room. He can't be impacted by you while he's being examined.” Steve knew she was right but he was unhappy about it. 

“Fine.” Steve cupped the nape of Bucky’s neck and pried him off of his neck. Bucky made a displeased noise and looked up at him with a confused expression. “Doll, we have to go get cleared by the medics now. I'll stay with you this time but it has to happen.” 

“Please don't make me, Alpha. They're scary..” Bucky’s tone was odd; he sounded extremely young and frightened.

“I need you to be my good omega and come with me.” Bucky bit his lip and nodded. Steve smiled and brushed his thumb across Bucky’s cheek. “Good boy.”

“Carry me?” 

“Sure.” Steve stood up with him in his arms and followed Maria out of the room. They passed by a few people in the hall and Bucky hid his face against Steve’s neck. “S’okay baby. You're safe.” Maria stopped outside of the medical bay and Steve put him down. “I'll be right out here.” 

“M’kay.” Bucky kissed his jaw and walked into the room. Maria sighed.

“You know he's going through some serious emotional trauma, right?” She asked and Steve frowned.

“Of course I do. He's been through alot and he's dealing with it now.” He looked through the window and watched as Bucky took off his shirt. The scarring on his body physically pained him. “As his alpha, I'm helping him.”

“It’s more involved than that. I'm not a psychologist but even I know this kind of coping mechanism is severely problematic.” 

“He's just leaning on me for support.”

“Steve, his emotional state is fragile and he asks for your permission for everything. He looks perpetually terrified and he's suckling non-stop.” She crossed her arms. “He's reverting to a younger mental state where he's innocent and dependant on you.” A sickening feeling started to build inside of him. 

“What exactly are you saying?” He asked although he knew. He needed to hear her say it clearly. 

“He's acting like a child.” She murmured and Steve shook his head.

“I'm not, he isn't-- god Maria he's a grown man!” He said a little too loudly. Behind the glass Bucky jerked and looked at him with fear in his gaze. He mouthed ‘alpha’ and got off of the examination table. The doctor tried to talk him but he shook his head and tried to get to the window. 

“You need to calm him down.” Maria said evenly. “With his enhancements he could really hurt someone if he gets out of control.” 

“We’re not done talking about this.” He hissed and entered the room. Bucky’s eyes widened and Steve nodded to the doctor. “It's okay, let him come to me for a minute.” Once he was allowed Bucky ran to him and hugged him, his hands gripping the back of Steve’s shirt. 

“What’s wrong Alpha? What happened?” He asked frantically. Steve kissed the top of his head.

“Nothing sweetheart. I was just a little frazzled but I'm okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. You're gonna go back and finish getting checked for me, right? You're doing so good.” 

“You'll be outside?”

“Absolutely.” Bucky nodded and pulled away.

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Steve waved goodbye and took his place outside. He wasn’t surprised to see that Maria was gone. 

It took two hours for Bucky to finish. Steve was worried sick because other people were brought in and they ran as many tests as they could on him and everyone had the same grim look on their faces. He was invited back in after the second hour passed but the doctor brought him into a smaller room attached to where Bucky was. “What did you find?” Steve asked and tried to prepare himself for the worst. Doctor Martinez sat down and Steve followed suit.

“Physically, his prosthetic is very advanced for something so crude looking. It's properly tethered to him and his spine is reinforced in order to keep it on. All of his wounds from the fight are healed by now.” 

“Mentally?” She looked down and his heart sank. “Please tell me.”

“Mentally and emotionally, he isn't well at all. He doesn't speak unless directly asked to and when he does it's precise and clinical, almost detached. A few of us asked him about himself and he answered but it sounded like he was talking about someone else. He also… I believe he's trying to revert to a time when he was mentally unscathed. When he's with you his behaviour is that of a far younger person, almost like a child. His mind is trying to escape the horrors it’s seen and been part of by resetting itself, in a sense.” 

“Is he… I mean… I don't know how to phrase this without sounding like an ass but does he have mental disabilities now?” She looked at him with an understanding expression.

“No. The only things that have changed are his behaviour and mentality, everything else is intact. He's regained his innocence and fear, he hasn't lost anything.” 

“Can he come back from this?”

“With time and therapy, yes. I think there are other psychological issues but I'm not qualified to diagnose him that way.” 

“Is there anything else?” He truly hoped that there were nothing else. He didn't know how much he could take.

“Hydra put him on drugs to keep him docile and compliant while active. The signs are all there and his tests came back positive, but none of us know when the effects will wear off. Soon he's going to be going through withdrawal and his symptoms will be worse than a normal person’s.” She said sadly. “It'll probably last longer as well.”

“What can be done?” 

“He needs to be taken somewhere safer for him and where people who can properly help him are. This bunker isn't a place to recover-- it could possibly make things worse.” 

“Do you know somewhere safe to bring him?” 

“Yes, I believe I do.”

-

The good thing about SHIELD was that they moved quickly. With the help of Maria and Nick, Steve was put in contact with Tony Stark. Tony arranged for Steve and Bucky to be brought to Cooperstown to stay on one of his ranches. He assured Steve that there were acres of open fields that separated them from the rest of the city, but it wouldn't take too long to get to the main hub if need be. Every kind of doctor Bucky needed would be close by and a psychiatrist would come to see Bucky once a week. 

Once Steve made his interest clear Bucky agreed to go. Sam decided to go to Cooperstown as well, but he was staying in the city. Steve was relieved to have the beta come along because he was a counsellor and could naturally calm anyone. They were able to travel within a day because neither of them had many possessions with them and Tony had stocked the house with everything they needed. He couldn't fully express how grateful he was which was good because Tony wasn't a big fan of touchy-feely moments. 

The ranch was 65 acres of wide open space with trees and other plant life scattered within it. The house was spacious and very well suited to them; high vaulted ceilings, large windows, two bedrooms and two bathrooms, a furnished basement and attic, an open concept kitchen, and log cabin inspired walls. It also had a specially designed system that would both alert and defend them against intruders. Steve fell in love with it on sight because of how well it was made and how practical it was. He brought Bucky into the house and they looked around together, finishing with the master bedroom. 

“Alpha,” Bucky said in a small voice, “can I share the room with you?” Before the war, Bucky wouldn't have asked. He would've walked straight into the room and flopped down on the right side of the bed, where he always slept, and winked at Steve. He wanted to tell Bucky that he could if he wanted to and almost did until he remembered that Bucky expected him to be a traditional alpha and show his dominance in every decision. 

“Yes you can.” He said and put the bag they had brought down on the floor. Combined they had only a small duffel bag’s worth of things to bring. It was nice, starting fresh, but he wished it were under different circumstances. “I'm gonna go wash up, you pick where you want to sleep.” 

“The floor or bed?” Steve flinched a little and Bucky looked down at his socks. “M’sorry.” 

“I'm pleased that you asked for clarification when you didn't understand.” He said and his omega looked up at him with hope in his eyes. “That was really good.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes. Now get going.” He said and winked at him. Bucky flushed and nodded then scurried away. Steve went into the closet and saw racks of clothes and shoes, way more than he needed. He was relieved that Tony hadn't chosen gaudy or flashy clothing but chalked it up to Pepper. He took a tee and jogging pants and went to take shower. 

Bucky was sitting on his alpha’s bed with his hands in his lap. He didn't like being without Steve, even for a short amount of time, but he didn't have a choice. He couldn't be attached to him at the hip although it would have been preferable. He kept himself very still and decided not to move until Steve came out. Instead of moving he looked around. Everything was bright and there was so much open space; it was nothing like the dark and cramped spaces he was used to being kept in. Normally the most light he got was when he was allowed outside on missions. Even then he was only there to get the job done and punished for wasting time. Weapons were used then stored-- they weren't left out for downtime.

He never realized how much he missed the sun.

-

Steve felt refreshed when he stepped out of the bathroom. He rubbed a towel over his hair and sighed happily. “Shower’s all yours, Buck. You should take one before you go to sleep.” He said to the empty room. Panic flooded his senses and he threw the towel down. “Bucky?” The sliding balcony door was partially opened and it made his panic skyrocket. 

Bucky had run away.

He lost him again.

Bucky was gone and he wouldn't ever see him again. 

“Fuck, fuck!” He shouted and went out onto the balcony. There was no sign of Bucky, but his scent was there albeit faintly. Steve jumped over the railing and fell to the ground with a loud thump. He got up fast and ran straight through a thicket of bushes, following his instincts and trying to locate Bucky. He could smell him but the light breeze was throwing the scent off. He felt like he were about to have an asthma attack from running so fast but he knew that he couldn't anymore so he pushed himself harder. 

He found Bucky sitting in the middle of an area that had little to no trees, just wide open space. He had his head tilted up toward the sun and his fingers curled around pieces of grass, touching but not ripping it free from the earth. The breeze was blowing pieces of his hair out of its tie and his hood was swaying behind him. Bucky looked like a flower drinking in the sun; his petals were unfurling in the warm breeze and he was growing again.

Steve almost regretted coming to find him because he was going to ruin that peaceful moment for him. 

Bucky turned sharply and stared at Steve with a shocked expression. Shock soon morphed into terror and he somehow made himself incredibly small. “I'm sorry, Alpha! I know I shouldn't have left without asking you first but the sun-- the sun!” 

“Bucky,”

“Please don't punish me. I know I was bad but I promise I won't do it again. I'll be good-- please, Alpha?” Steve walked over and fell to his knees in front of him.

“This is one thing that you never have to ask permission for. I know I have to make decisions as your Alpha, but I'm telling you to come outside whenever you want. You don't need my approval.” Bucky’s eyes glistened with tears. 

“You… you won't take the sun away?” He asked softly and Steve tried to smile. It was hard to do so without sobbing.

“I won't.” 

“Will you stay out here with me now?” 

“Yeah, yeah I will.” Bucky went back to his prior position and Steve made himself comfortable. He didn't touch him, it wasn't right. Steve was just a spectator to that moment; Bucky was soaring far above him and he refused to ever pull him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an image of the end scene in my head but I'm nowhere near good enough at making art so it's just stuck there, it's very frustrating. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for all of your feedback and I can't wait to see more! For future reference I can be found [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky chose to stay beside Steve whenever he possibly could, except when he was cooking. The first night they spent at the ranch Steve cooked spaghetti and offered a few noodles out of the pan for Bucky to try; Bucky jerked back and begged for Steve not to burn him. He hadn't noticed the noodles, he had just seen the large utensil and thought it were a branding iron. Steve had immediately dropped it back into the pan and held Bucky until he stopped crying. Since then he made sure to be extremely careful when cooking or if he had any object that could be considered a weapon. 

Steve kept a schedule for the both of them. Bucky woke up when he did, so he tried to wake up and go to sleep at reasonable times every day. He normally cheated and pretended to sleep just so that Bucky would get some much needed rest. When he slept properly-- closer to properly-- he was more at ease. That day Steve woke up at nine in the morning and found Bucky lying awake. He was staring at the ceiling was a faraway expression and not moving save for his chest moving up and down as he breathed. “Buck?” 

“Yeah, Alpha?” 

“Did you get any sleep?” 

“An hour, probably.” He didn't sound tired. “I was good. I stayed here.” Steve turned to face him and put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“Let me hold you, omega.” Bucky made a happy sound and turned, burrowing himself into the bed and against Steve’s chest. “You know you don't have to stay right here just because I am, don't you?” 

“I… I thought I was good.” 

“You did real good, but it's also good of you to do things that you want to do. If you wanna stay in bed with me then go ahead, but you can do whatever you want.” He said and rubbed Bucky’s back, feeling his spine much too easily. “I want you to be happy.” 

“Thank you.” Bucky kissed his throat. “You're my favourite alpha in the world.” Steve chuckled.

“Somehow I got the sweetest omega around. How’d I get to be so lucky?” Bucky giggled and wrapped his arm around Steve’s waist. 

“Can we spend some time outside today?” He asked, voice full of hope. The fact that he felt the need to ask before he did anything hurt Steve. In the past if he had ever tried to control Bucky that way he would have been punched. There was so much that was different and it would take a lot of getting used to.  
“Sure, sweetheart. You wanna go to your field?” The first field he sat in became his favourite instantly and although he explored a bit more every time he went out, he always ended up there. Steve liked it too; it had a beautiful view. 

“Yes.” 

“We’ll do that then, after Dr. Adams sees you.” He said and the change in the air was palpable. “I know you don't want to see her but we made a deal.”

“I hate her.” Bucky huffed.

“You've never met her.”

“Will you be with me?” That was the problem. He couldn't sit in on the appointment because he didn't want to influence Bucky. He wanted to give him a safe space to speak freely and get to know Dr. Adams so that they could build trust. What Bucky said was supposed to be confidential and he was determined to keep it that way. 

“I'll be doing some work in the attic.” 

“Why?” 

“You'll be okay without me, Buck. I promise.” He said softly and it turned out to be the wrong thing to say. Bucky shot up and looked at him in shock.

“You, you said you'd stay with me. Why are you making me leave you? You said you'd keep me!” Bucky sounded heartbroken. Steve sat up and put his hand on his shoulder but he pulled away. “No!”

“I'm not leaving you, omega. I swear I'm not.” He fought to keep control of his voice. “I'm keeping you, I'll always keep you.”

“You're a liar! Why are you lying to me?” 

“You know I'd never lie to you. Not ever.” He didn't know how to convince him that he hadn't ever lied to him. The way he phrased it was wrong, completely wrong, and now he was paying for it. Bucky got off of the bed and stormed into the bathroom. Steve jumped up after him but didn't make it to the door before he locked it. “Please don't shut me out. I was wrong to say it like that but I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I'll be here-- I'll never abandon you. You're my omega!” 

“Go away!” Bucky shouted hoarsely. 

“Baby, please, please come out.”

“Leave me alone Steve!” Steve swallowed roughly and stepped back. 

“Okay… if you need me just call.” He said and Bucky didn’t say a word.

-

Dr. Adams didn't seem like a person who would hurt him but he couldn't be sure. After all, his alpha said he would never lie to him but he did. His alpha said he would keep him but he was trying to get rid of him. He didn't know what to believe or if he could even believe. Maybe he wasn't made with that ability.

Bucky wouldn't look at Dr. Adams. She’d been there for ten minutes already and he hadn't looked at her once. Part of it was because he wasn't supposed to look the technicians in the eye but the rest was him being stubborn. He didn't want a doctor. 

“James, you know I'm Dr. Adams but you can call me Ava if you like.” Her voice was gentle and kind; it made him want to cooperate. He looked up at her hesitantly.

“Ava Adams.” It was a funny sounding name, the sound of it bounced around in his mouth in a satisfying way. 

“Double A.” She said and smiled. “That’s what my friends call me. Or The Energizer if they're feeling like they're funny.” 

“Why that?” 

“Like The Energizer Rabbit. It's the mascot for this battery company, because they make double a batteries.” She explained. Bucky liked that she wasn't put off by his lack of pop culture knowledge.

“I like Double A better-- sounds like a superhero.” He realized how ridiculous he sounded and waited for her to start laughing at him. She didn't.

“I've never thought of it like that; that's actually pretty cool. Do you think I could pull off the whole superhero thing?”

“I don't see why not.” He said honestly. “You seem good.” 

“Thank you James, that's very nice of you.” He sucked his lower lip into his mouth before saying anything.

“You… you can call me Bucky. I like it better.” 

“That's an interesting name. What's it short for?” Bucky frowned. He truly couldn't remember if it even was short for something. He only recently learned that he was allowed to have his name back and that was one of the rare things he knew about himself.

“I don't know. My alpha calls me that and I like it. I like when he talks.”

“Do you like your alpha? Steve, right?” He nodded quickly. Why wouldn't he? His alpha was good to him, even if he did lie. He couldn't blame Steve for not wanting a broken omega around all the time. “Do you like being with him?”

“Yeah. He's very nice to me. He lies though, that I don't like.” Ava looked concerned for a brief second.

“What does he lie about?” 

“Keeping me. He said he would keep me but now he doesn't want to.” His stomach tightened and he shifted from the discomfort. “I'm mad at him right now.”

“Did you two have a fight?” 

“He didn't hit me.” His alpha would never hurt him-- not after the highway, anyway. 

“So you didn’t physically fight. What about verbally?” 

“He wouldn't come to see you with me and said I'd be better off on my own. That's not keeping me.” He said with a frown. He didn't want to talk about it; it hurt somewhere deep to think that Steve didn’t want him. 

“Did he say that exactly?” She asked and Bucky shrugged. He couldn't remember it word for word. “Are you sure he wasn't just trying to give you privacy?” 

“I don't want privacy.” 

“Normally, meetings like this are supposed to be confidential. You would come to my office and the two of us would talk; I wouldn't tell anyone and you could but you don't have to.” She patiently explained. Bucky crossed his arms. Maybe Steve had been trying to do that, but it still made him feel funny. 

“I don't wanna talk about this anymore.” He mumbled and waited for punishment. He looked up when it didn’t come and found Ava waiting for him to say something else as if he were in charge. He wasn’t supposed to be in charge. There were rules.

Weren't there? 

What was he supposed to do if there weren't rules? 

“Do you like it here?” Ava asked, breaking the building panic in his head. He was grateful for that. 

“There's a lot of sun and the air smells good.” It wasn't musty or humid. “I can sit in the grass all day if I want.”

“Do you do that often?”

“Mm hmm. Alpha said I can go whenever I want and I don't have to ask for permission, but I still do.”

“Why?”

“It makes me feel safe.” It was one of the only things that did. “He says that I should wear sunscreen even though I can't get sunburn. There's one that smells nice so I do.” 

“I like being in the sun too. The odd thing about it is I'm not a big fan of summer.” 

“No?” 

“No. I like spring better; flowers start to bloom, the sun is out but it isn't too hot, nature seems to be booming. My garden flourishes in springtime.” Garden. He thought about that for a minute and realized how curious he was about it. Having a garden sounded fun.

“Can you, will you tell me how to make a garden?” He asked softly and Ava nodded, her excitement clear. 

“I’d love to.”

-

Steve only came down from the attic once he heard Dr. Adams drive away. He was hesitant about finding Bucky because he was afraid of what his reaction to seeing him would be. He wasn't afraid of much, couldn't be in his line of work, but making Bucky upset was one of the biggest fears he had. Bucky shutting him out that morning made that fear come back instantly. As he went downstairs from the attic, he ran into Bucky coming up. Bucky’s eyes lit up when he saw him and his heart settled down. “Alpha, let's make a garden!”

“A garden?” 

“Yeah! Ava said that it's fun and calming, I wanna do it!” He hadn't heard Bucky sound that excited since he found him, but Bucky was moving quickly and not giving him time to catch up.

“Ava?” 

“Dr. Adams!” Bucky was almost bouncing in place. “She's real nice and told me all the best flowers to grow.” 

“That's great, Buck. I'm really glad you're getting along with her.” He was worried about that, considering Bucky’s mood toward doctors. He couldn't blame him for hating anything that had to do with people who wanted to examine him. 

“So can we make one?” 

“Of course baby. I can't wait to see all the pretty stuff you grow.” He realized that Bucky probably wasn't ready to go into town yet and decided to use one of the shopping services Pepper suggested. “We can order whatever you want.”

“Can we do it now, Alpha?” 

“Let's go get a computer.” All of the tech was in the basement because he wasn't a big fan of it and he didn't know if Bucky would be any better. He led the way, Bucky close behind. 

“Oh!” Bucky said and launched at him, hugging him from behind. Steve stumbled but caught his balance. “M’sorry about earlier, Alpha. Ava helped me see that you weren't tryin’ to make me leave.” 

“I'm sorry too-- the way I phrased it wasn't the best.” Steve put his hands over top of Bucky’s. “I never want you to leave, doll. You're my omega, couldn't go on without ya.” Bucky nuzzled his shoulder and inhaled. 

“I don't like fighting with you.” He whispered. “It was scary.”

“Were you scared of me?” Steve asked and Bucky shook his head no. “What was scary?” 

“Me.”

-

The packages of gardening supplies were delivered very quickly. As soon as the truck pulled up Bucky ran upstairs and woke Steve. It was before seven in the morning so he was tired but he was happy that Bucky was overflowing with excitement. It took them a few hours to sort out everything and once they did, they hauled it to the yard. Bucky decided that the garden should go against the back of the house, beneath the kitchen window so that the bedroom’s balcony wouldn't block out the sun. Steve happily agreed to help him dig plots out. 

“This is where the lilacs will go.” Bucky said and pointed to the line of plots closest to the house. “Then the tulips, and the double rock roses.” 

“It's gonna be very colourful.” Bucky grinned.

“I hope so.” They started planting the seeds carefully, taking their time to make sure that they were doing it right. Steve soon realized that Bucky was moving slower than him because he wasn't using his metal hand. 

“You can plant more if you use both hands.” He suggested and the omega shook his head.

“It could crush them. They're so small, like babies. I don't wanna kill them.” He sounded so sad. “All I ever do is break things, I don't wanna do that anymore.” Steve understood and nodded.

“Okay baby, I get it. You're doing very good-- you're a natural.” Bucky flushed and patted dirt back over one of the plots. “You hungry?”

“Do we have to go inside?” Bucky’s voice was close to a whine and Steve chuckled.

“No, I can bring some stuff out here. We can have a picnic!” Why hadn't he thought about that before? Bucky wasn’t eating enough and he loved being outside, so a picnic was a great fix. It seemed to do the trick-- Bucky was beaming.

“Yes Alpha! Can we do that? Please?”

“I'll go make some food. Will you finish up here?” 

“Uh-huh.” Bucky chirped and got back to work. Steve got up and dusted himself before he headed back into the house. He went to the kitchen and washed his hands, then got out stuff to make sandwiches with. He found himself glancing out the window at Bucky every once in awhile just to see the blissful expression on his face. For a minute, the creases around his eyes were laugh lines instead of deep rings from decades of a pain Steve would never truly grasp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are so, so appreciated. To be honest things aren't the best right now and seeing all of the feedback helps.
> 
> You can reach me on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: symptoms of withdrawal, panic attacks

Gardening did wonders for Bucky. He got up early to water the flowers and gave them special fertilizer throughout the day. It was going to take at least 8 weeks for the flowers to start to bloom but Bucky was taking extra care in hopes that they might bloom sooner. Steve sometimes helped him but he let Bucky do it by himself most of the time because he wanted him to know that he could have things that were just his own. It was the calm before the storm, and the storm was colossal.

Bucky started to experience symptoms of withdrawal. He began to have tremors and chills mixed with hot flashes and mood swings. The worst part was that he was constantly terrified. Steve didn't know how to comfort him and more often than not he didn't want to be comforted.

Bucky was a shivering, sweating mess on their bed. He was curled up small and making pained noises that went straight to Steve’s instincts and the urge to protect was building inside of him rapidly. “Alpha, Alpha, why,” Bucky sobbed. “why’s this h-h-happening? I, I was good!” 

“You were, you are, but you're going through withdrawal. This is your body getting rid of the drugs in your system.”

“Make, make it stop.” Bucky’s teeth chattered. “I'll be b-better, promise.”

“It'll be over soon, doll.” Steve said though he knew he shouldn't. He had no idea when it would end-- the doctors didn’t even know that. “Just relax as best as you can.”

“I need help, alpha. F-fix it!” 

“I'm sorry baby but you just have to let it run its course.” Bucky sobbed and kicked the blankets off of the bed. Tremors rocked his body and Steve feared that he would start seizing again. “You can do this.”

“Help me!”

“You can do this.” He repeated although he knew it was absolutely meaningless.

“Please!” He looked at Steve desperately. Steve would've done anything to help him but there was nothing he could do. “Alpha,” Bucky heaved and jerked to throw up into the trash can beside the bed. 

“I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry.” He hated Hydra and wanted to destroy every single person who was ever involved with them. For everything that Bucky had to go through the urge to get revenge drew higher and higher. 

“Alpha please come here. Please?” Steve got onto the bed and hugged Bucky from behind. “It hurts so bad. I can't, can't do this… I can't!” 

“You can, omega. You can do this and when you're feeling better we can do whatever you want.”

“Teach me how to cook.” He whispered and Steve’s eyebrows raised. Bucky refused to go anywhere near the kitchen when Steve was cooking so it was a huge surprise. “Something, something easy.” He made a mental note to find something that could be made without heat or big knives.

“We’ll do that.” He moved Bucky’s sweat soaked hair off of his face and Bucky groaned, another wave of tremors hitting him. He whined and tried to get up out of bed but Steve had to stop him; they'd learned the hard way that Bucky didn't have the strength to walk. “Just rest.”

“Don't, don't make me. Alpha please don't strap me down!” He wailed and Steve dropped his arms so that he could move as much as he wanted to. 

“You'll never be strapped down again, I just don't want you to fall. You should stay in bed so that doesn’t happen.”

“I, I hate being in, in bed. I need’ta move!” He was scared that Bucky was going to hurt himself if he moved around too much. “Please Alpha, please?” Steve nodded and got off of the bed. 

“Do you wanna go outside?” He offered and Bucky shook his head. “Where then?” 

“The, the living room?” He asked timidly and Steve immediately nodded. “Thank you, Alpha.” 

“Do you want me to help you get down there?”

“Yes, please.” 

“Can I carry you, omega?” He asked although he wanted to just pick him up and go. Bucky’s reaction to the idea of being held down earlier added to his fear of doing something that would hurt him. 

“Yeah.” Bucky said softly and Steve got off of the bed and scooped him up. “Thank, thank you alpha.” He said and shoved his face against Steve’s neck. Steve made a soft noise and carefully carried him downstairs. He tried his best to keep Bucky still but the omega couldn't stop trembling and jerking. Every whimper and moan that Bucky made made Steve ache because he couldn't help him. As an alpha and as himself, there wasn't any pain worse than being useless to the one he loved. Steve laid Bucky down on the couch and grabbed the small trashcan 

“Ava isn’t coming by this week, Buck. She's gonna wait until you're feeling a little better.” Though Steve had felt guilty at the time, he and Ava had already talked about not seeing Bucky for a least a week because when he started going through withdrawal he wouldn't want to do anything other than try to fight through it. It was clearly the right decision. 

“O-okay alpha.” Bucky sounded like he was on the verge of passing out. 

“She said she'll bring the pictures of her vegetable garden next time she visits.” He said and carefully sat down on the ground in front of the couch. “You're doing great, Buck.”

“I, I wanna grow cucumbers and carrots.” Bucky mumbled, his face pressed against the back of the couch. “B-berries.”

“Would you like to visit a farm?” The idea struck him suddenly and he liked it. Gardening made Bucky happy, so maybe seeing crops and larger gardens would make him even happier. Bucky’s body went ridged and he immediately feared that he'd done something wrong.

“With a-animals?” Bucky asked and Steve stared down at his hands.

“Probably. We don't have to go, I just thought you might--”

“I w-want to! I, I wanna see cows!” Needless to say, Steve was surprised by Bucky’s sudden enthusiasm. He still sounded incredibly weak but enthusiasm was still there. Steve couldn't help but wonder if he'd still be that excited when he felt better. Either way he was going to look into farms with lots of cows. 

“You like cows?” 

“They're, they're pretty. The spots-- they made me, I s-scared the other a-animals but not them. They made the noise at me and f-flicked their tails.” Bucky was mumbling by the end. Steve didn’t want to know what HYDRA made him do on a farm, but Bucky continued. “T-they hid me. The c-cows, I stayed in the barn waiting and they hid me.” 

“The cows?”

“Yeah-- until I was p-picked up. Report mission success.” Bucky said faintly and Steve’s stomach turned. The thought that all of Bucky’s memories were associated with HYDRA missions was frightening; he really didn't know what Bucky remembered or how much of it was true. “I w-wouldn't let them hurt the cows.” 

“That was really good of you, Buck.” But it made him ache. Bucky was being held captive and forced to kill, but he protected those he felt needed it regardless of his mental state. “I'm proud of you.” Bucky purred, the sound fractured and shaky. 

“Handler Ivanov wasn't.” 

“Ivanov.” He would have someone look into HYDRA operatives with that surname, and if they came up with anything he'd have to pay them a visit. 

“Asset contained, failure to comply; disciplinary actions required.” Bucky didn't sound effected by it, in fact he was clinical about it. He didn't stutter once while reciting that from memory. It made Steve shudder.

“We can go to apple picking one day if you'd like.” He offered and Bucky made an interested sound. “Or peaches. I can find out what's around.” 

“T-Thank you alpha.” He wanted to help Bucky so much but he couldn't, he had no way to make Bucky’s system detox faster. Bucky’s teeth chattered loudly and Steve stood up to get a blanket. Suddenly Bucky’s metal hand was gripping his wrist hard enough to hurt-- he could feel his bones grinding together. “What, what're you doin’? Don’t leave me!” 

“I'm just getting you a blanket, baby.” Bucky’s hold tightened and Steve barely covered up his wince.

“You can't leave me!” Bucky shouted. If he tightened his hand any more he'd break Steve’s wrist. “They'll, they'll come for me! Please don't let ‘em get me!” 

“No one’s coming for you, Buck. You're safe here with me.” Bucky shook his head wildly.

“I'm not safe anywhere! They'll get me!” 

“I won't leave you, omega. It's okay, you're okay.” Bucky whimpered and thankfully let go of his wrist. Steve tried his best to quickly hide it, but Bucky saw anyway; there were dark, finger shaped bruises in a ring around it.

“Oh god. Alpha-- I didn't mean to!” He said and covered his mouth. He looked horrified and even paler than he had been. 

“It's not that bad, Buck. I just bruise easily, I always have.” It wasn't a lie but Bucky didn't seem to register it at all. 

“I hurt you.” Bucky sobbed from behind his hand. “I hurt you!” 

“I can move it and everything.” Steve assured him and rolled his wrist around. It stung a bit, but he'd experienced much worse. It took a minute for Steve to realize that Bucky was biting his palm. “No!” He said and pulled Bucky’s hand away from his mouth. His teeth had broken the skin in some places but it wasn't bleeding. “God Bucky no, don't ever hurt yourself!” He shouted and Bucky yanked his hand back, pulling away from him for fiercely that the couch toppled over. 

Bucky ended up on the ground with the couch shielding him from Steve. Before Steve could do anything, Bucky’s hand shot out and yanked the couch on top of himself, making a place to hide. There was only a little gap on either side that he could see out of and the rest concealed him fully. “Bucky, baby are you hurt?” Steve asked and went to kneel down by one of the holes; it wasn't big enough to see anything but the carpet. “Bucky?” He reached his hand through the hole and jerked back when Bucky hissed.

He hissed, Steve thought, he hissed at me.

“Please tell me you're okay.” He felt like an idiot-- of course he scared Bucky. He yelled at him and yanked on his hand. “Omega.” Bucky snarled, low and challenging. Steve’s instincts fought inside of him and he swallowed the urge to growl in response. “I know I scared you, and I'm very sorry. You know I'd never hurt you.” The smell of Bucky’s fear and paranoia was quickly spreading. “Will you please come out?” 

Bucky snarled again, but it was louder and more threatening. Steve wasn't afraid for himself despite what he knew Bucky was capable of, he was afraid for Bucky and what would happen if he truly slipped into the Winter Soldier’s headspace. He couldn't stand the thought of Bucky suffering even more. “I'm going to call Ava.” Steve said calmly, trying to relax himself so that his scent didn't put Bucky on edge. “I'll be right back.” 

-

When he was sure that Steve was gone, Bucky uncurled from the ball he was in and laid himself down flat against the ground. The couch being so big was advantageous because of how much room he had to spread out and all of the cover it provided. He knew he should stay curled up regardless of how covered he was but his body was trembling too much to remain in that position. His thoughts were sluggish but his heart was racing and he couldn't breathe properly. Despite how out of sorts he was, Bucky knew that he needed to review the situation in order to remain safe.

He was being punished with some sort of biological weapon but he didn't know why. He was given the option to go to a farm and he messed it up by talking about Handler Ivanov. He hurt Steve and Steve was going to punish him, so he took cover. 

Steve said he was going to call Dr. Adams, but he might be lying and calling in reinforcements. Bucky could be getting put back into containment, or he could be decommissioned. Steve will leave him behind and get a better omega, one who couldn't kill him with very little effort. It was good while it lasted but everything good must end. 

The sun was going to be taken back.

If he was taken away, his flowers would be helpless and would die. They wouldn't survive without him, like he couldn't survive without his alpha. Bucky started to sob and curled back up again. He was going into the dark again, there was no escape. It was all over.

“Bucky, it's Ava.” It truly was Ava, but he was still scared so he didn't say a word. “Steve called me and told me that you're going through withdrawal.” He wondered what Steve had really told her because there was no way he'd omitted so much information. “He also told me that you two had an incident and you've been in here for over an hour. Is this a nest or a hiding space, Bucky?” Hiding space. “I need you to talk to me, Bucky.” She was saying his name too much and it was hurting his head.

“Where’s a-alpha?” 

“He's standing at the other end of the room.” She said and he could see her legs folding from the small gap between the couch and the floor. “Would you like to talk to him?” 

“Is, is he gonna punish me?” Bucky whimpered and started to sob again. He could feel Steve’s need to soothe him and it only made him cry harder. Steve wanted to protect him and to punish him. How could he make things better? 

“Why would he punish you?” 

“‘Cuz I was bad. I hurt him and didn't listen.” He cried and sucked his lower lip into his mouth. “I'm hiding…” 

“Do you feel safe in there?” Ava sounded calm but he could smell her hesitance. Was it not safe out there? 

“I…” Upon deeper thought, he realized that no, he didn't feel safe. He only felt safe when his alpha was close enough to touch, and right then he wasn't. “I n-need alpha. Please, I need him!” Why wasn’t he coming? Was his alpha so angry with him that he didn't want to have anything to do with him? “Please!” 

It was too dark.

And cold.

And small.

He was being put back under. “No!” He shrieked and started to kick at the door of the chamber. “No! You can't!” He struggled against the restraints and screamed loud enough that it hurt his throat. “стоп! Нет!” Bucky’s head started to throb and he could feel himself starting to shut down. It was happening, he was going back, his alpha had left him again. 

“Bucky, baby come on. Come back to me baby.” It was another trick; Steve wasn't there, he never had been. They'd lied to him again. “Omega.” Warmth moved up and down his arms and his head lolled back. “Come back to me, omega. No one’s gonna hurt you.” Bucky whined and followed Steve’s voice up, moving his head towards it. His nose pressed against warm skin and he inhaled sharply, his body spasming. “Focus for me, Bucky. It's me-- your Steve, your alpha. I'm here, just focus on me.” 

Alpha.

Bucky’s body stopped spasming and went lax. He inhaled over and over again until the urge to suckle overtook him. The musk coming off of Steve tasted good on his tongue and he sucked hungrily. He could feel himself coming back up and he reached up to grab Steve’s shirt with his flesh hand. “That's my good boy. You're so good, omega. You're so brave and strong.” After a few minutes Bucky pulled away just enough to look at Steve’s face. His vision swam and he hiccuped with the last of his sobs. Steve smiled down at him and it didn't reach his eyes. “Hey Buck.”

“Alpha.” He whispered and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive any mistakes, I didn't edit this properly. The russian words are no and stop. Comments are so so loved and I'll update quicker next time! 
> 
> You can reach me on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added infantalism and thumb sucking to the tags but they're a means of coping that's only sometimes used

With Bucky unconscious, Ava’s attention was solely on Steve and it made him uncomfortable. He knew she had no reason to judge him but it still felt like she were and it was freaking him out. He didn’t want her to think that he wasn't capable of being Bucky’s alpha and try to take him away; he would fight tooth and nail to keep Bucky with him. He couldn't lose his mate, not again. After Bucky had died, the strings of their bond were cut but they lingered inside of him, bitter cold and heavy as steel cables. “I didn't hurt him.” Steve said softly. “I would never hurt him.” 

“I know.” Ava replied and took a drink of her tea. Steve hadn't even thought about touching his. “You told me everything that happened and I believe you.”

“He was so scared. I don't know why…” 

“He thought he deserved punishment for hurting you. He's used to punishment for every little thing and he didn't understand why it wasn't coming. Your concern for him made him go into defensive mode and he had to protect himself from the threat, then the situation became too much and he panicked.” Her rational answer didn't help him feel any better. He looked over at Bucky; he was sleeping peacefully on the couch, cocooned in a small nest. He knew that the nest was well built for something put together so quickly, but he still wanted to fawn over it and make sure Bucky was as comfortable as possible. “He'll be okay, Steve.”

“It was like he didn't even see me. I was holding him and calling him but he was so blank… he wasn't coming back.”

“But he came back, that's what's important right now.” Ava said, finishing up her tea. “You're doing great by him and he's making progress, but backslides are expected.” 

“How often will they happen?” Steve hated the idea that Bucky was bound to have backslides regardless of how hard he worked. Bucky deserved so much more. 

“There's really no telling. All you can do is be here and prepared for the inevitable.”

“Thank you Dr. Adams.” He tried to sound more positive and it fell flat. “For coming out here so fast and for being so helpful.”

“This is what I'm here for, Steve. Beyond that, he's a man who has gone through unspeakable horrors and deserves to recover with as much support as he needs.” She seemed to be gaining his respect and trust every minute. “It'll take time for him to get to the point where he can feel safe and happy, but it'll happen.”

“I can't lose him again.” He whispered. “I just can't.”

“You're a good alpha, Steve, and a good man. You won't lose him.”

Ava left an hour later, which left Steve to keep a silent watch on Bucky. He added another blanket to the nest and saw that Bucky was sucking his thumb. At first he was a little alarmed by it, but Bucky looked completely at ease. There were no worry lines on his face and his forehead wasn't creased like it was when he had nightmares; he looked comfortable and peaceful. Steve stared at him for a little while, watching the gentle rhythm of his sucking. He looked so small and fragile; he felt the overwhelming urge to protect him from anything and everyone right that second. He wanted to make sure that Bucky never hurt again, though that was impossible given the situation. He had to hurt to heal, as unfair as it were. 

Steve didn’t want to stop watching him but he didn’t want him to wake up and be afraid of surveillance, so he grabbed a book off of one of the shelves in the room and sat down in the armchair by the couch. The book was about bird watching and it was oddly comforting to look at the pictures of the birds and read facts. He always liked getting down to the truth about things before anything else. He flipped through page after page, getting engrossed in the information. He was definitely going to start sketching birds.

The tiniest voice he'd ever heard broke the silence in the room with a gentle call. “Alpha?” Steve looked up from his book and met Bucky’s sleepy gaze. He looked as if he were about to fall right back to sleep, and his thumb was resting on his lower lip. 

“Hi sweetheart.” Steve said, smiling carefully. Bucky blinked at him before smiling sweetly, toothy and adorable. He looked so much younger than he ever had-- he looked like he had when they were kids. Maria’s voice was in the back of his mind, practically screaming about Bucky reverting to a childlike state. He chose to ignore it fully.

“What's that?” Bucky asked and shifted in his nest. Steve looked down at his book then back up at him. 

“It's a book about birds.” 

“Like chickens?” Bucky rubbed his eye with his fist. “Roosters?” 

“Not quite; they're more like robins and hawks.” He didn't elaborate because he was afraid that it would send Bucky into another panic. Bucky sat up a little straighter and sniffled, looking at Steve intently. 

“Birds are cute. The little ones.” He waited for another mission story but it never came. 

“Little ones?” He asked and Bucky nodded shyly. “Like… peacocks?” Bucky giggled and shook his head. 

“Those are big, alpha!” Bucky squeaked and the happy sound made his chest swell with pride. He'd made Bucky giggle, he'd made him happy. “I didn't know you liked birds, alpha.” 

“I really didn't know until I grabbed this book. There so many different species, it's incredible.” 

“Animals are super cool.” Bucky bit his lower lip and sighed. “I wanna have one.” Steve wanted to give Bucky everything, but he wasn't sure if getting a pet would be a good idea. It could have a negative effect on Bucky and that just wasn't worth it. “A cat.”

“Yeah?” 

“Maybe somethin’ else.” Bucky shrugged. “Somethin’.” There was something in Bucky’s tone that screamed detection and Steve wanted to remedy it.

“Buck, do you actually want a pet?” He asked. Bucky’s face went through a variety of expressions before settling on a frown. 

“I don't… I don't know what to want. I think I might want one.” He looked at Steve with frustration clear on his face. “Should I, should I want one?” Steve’s chest felt as if it were a size too small. 

“You're allowed to want things, Bucky. No one can dictate that.” He said softly and Bucky put his thumb back into his mouth. Something inside of him screamed judgemental words, but he fought it off viciously. If it was making Bucky feel better, he wouldn't say a word about it. Bucky looked horribly unsettled. “We can go to a farm and see some animals, then we can ask Ava if the timing is good.” 

“M’kay.” Bucky mumbled and took his thumb out of his mouth. “When can we go?”

-

It took a few days, but with Ava’s help, they found a therapy farm. The farm had the sole purpose of helping people with disabilities both mental and physical by giving them the chance to help care for and play with various animals. 

When they got there, they were met by one of the facilitators, Joan Kim. Bucky clung to Steve’s arm and angled his body so that he was partially hidden behind Steve, but Joan didn't seem fazed by it at all. “Hi, you must be Steve- Ava told me you'd be dropping by sometime this week.” She said and smiled kindly. “I'm Joan, I help keep things in order here.” Steve offered his hand to her, but Bucky whined and pulled it back. Again Joan wasn't fazed and Steve was grateful for it. 

“Nice to meet you Joan, and thank you for letting us come here right away.” Steve said and forced himself not to release any calming pheromones; he wanted Bucky to be as relaxed as possible, but he didn't want to interfere with anyone who was at the farm. “Hey Buck, why don't you say hi to Joan?” Bucky peeked out from behind him and offered his flesh hand to her meekly. She looked as surprised as Steve felt. 

“Hi Joan. M’Bucky.” He mumbled and they shook hands quickly. “A-Alpha said you might have cows?” Joan nodded. Bucky resumed his hold on Steve’s hand, sticking close to his side. 

“We do, as well as chickens, sheep, horses, a turtle, cats, dogs, and rabbits.” She replied and Bucky radiated excitement. Steve smiled and rubbed his thumb across Bucky’s knuckles. “Would you like to see the cows first?” Bucky nodded fast. “Alright then, I'll show you the pasture. There's no one visiting them right now but there will be one of our farmhands there to make sure that everything stays safe.” 

“I won't hurt them.” Bucky said faintly. “I promise.” Joan smiled. 

“Thank you Bucky, I trust that you won't.” 

Joan led them through the farmhouse and out to the pasture, where there were sheep roaming around freely and a fenced off area for the cows. It was huge and yet only part of the farm. Steve felt calm there and he hoped Bucky did too. “We have five cows and two calves, but two of the cows are in their pen already. They're Sparkles and Selena, the laziest ones of the bunch.” 

“Sparkles and Selena are weird names for cows.” Bucky pointed out, his nose scrunched up cutely. Steve sighed and Joan chuckled. 

“We had some kids come by and let them choose their names.” 

“What're the other cow’s names?” 

“Myrtle is the brown one, Betty is the smaller one with more white patches than spots, and this old girl is Opal.” She said and patted Opal’s head. 

“And the babies?” 

“Tulip is mostly black and Ronnie is brown.” A woman walked over to them and Bucky hid behind Steve again. “This is Danielle, our handy dandy cow whisperer.” Danielle snorted.

“Most people call me Dani.” Danielle said and elbowed Joan playfully. “Except for this one. She loves to full name me.” 

“Nice to meet you, Dani. I'm Steve and this is Bucky.” Bucky waved from behind him. 

“Hi! I won't interrupt your time with the ladies but I will be here if you need me.” Steve knew that she'd be more observant than that but he didn't say a word. He didn't want Bucky to be on edge the entire time. 

“Thank you Dani.” 

“Can we see them now?” Bucky whined and tugged on Steve’s arm. “Can we Joan? Dani?” 

“Of course you can, Bucky.” Dani said and walked over to the fence’s latch. “Go on in.” Once the latch was opened, Bucky ran in and flopped down on the ground. He plucked some grass out of the dirt and held his hand out, waiting for one of them to approach him. Within seconds Tulip was trotting over and eating the grass from his hand. Bucky chuckled and reached up to pet her when all of the grass had been eaten. 

“Hi Tulip, you're a pretty girl. I haven't seen any cows for a long time, so you're a sight for sore eyes.” Bucky sounded confident and happy - it made Steve’s eyes tear. 

-

Tulip stuck to Bucky like glue; he played with the other cows and calf, all while Tulip followed him around. Every so often she'd butt him in the leg to get his attention and lick him - she was like a little puppy, a 67 pound puppy. He made sure to keep his metal arm away from all of them so that there was no chance of hurting them with it. The funny thing was that all of them looked at it but hadn't shied away at all; they weren't scared of it and that made him feel lighter inside. He felt almost normal.

“I think that you're all awesome.” Bucky said as he sat down in the middle of the semicircle of cows, Tulip clambering into his lap happily. “You're doing great work here and I'm happy you're letting me see you.” Tulip mooed and nudged his chest. Bucky grinned and scratched behind one of her ears. She made a goofy expression and he snorted. “You're a funny gal!” Tulip seemed ecstatic about the attention he was giving her and it made him happier in turn. 

Hours passed and they felt like seconds; Bucky spent all of them in the field with the cows. They moved around slower than he'd expected and he found himself lying down in the grass while they moved around him, with Tulip lying close to his side. It was nice - so much so that he ended up falling asleep right there. He woke up when Steve’s scent came over him and he was beyond groggy. “Come on baby, it's time to go home.” Steve said and helped him stand up. Tulip - and most of the other cows - was asleep in the grass and it made him smile. He felt so safe with them, protected in their circle from any harm. 

“Can… alpha can you carry me?” He mumbled shyly and Steve scooped him up with ease. Bucky sighed and waved goodbye to the sleeping cows before curling his body towards Steve’s chest and going back to sleep.

He was so, so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive and lacking morale, but here's a chapter! I'm working on something for the stucky big bang so look out for that in august, you can ask me about it or other stuff on tumblr too 
> 
>  
> 
> [ fancy link to my tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


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